


To Toot His Horn

by hellyeayelyah



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018), Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends
Genre: Anal, Bestiality, F/F, F/M, Incest, Orgy, Post 2x08, Pregnancy, Smut, Spirits, Villaclown, Wound Play, and just weird stuff in general, ass surgery, because fuck her, leaked season 3, lord please forgive me, lots of trains, restaurant lady, she dies, since we know emerald likes to fuck trains, this is what season 3 will be like, villalma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2020-03-20 12:22:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18992578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellyeayelyah/pseuds/hellyeayelyah
Summary: Villanelle thought she would never get over killing Eve.Luckily, a handsome figure comes along.





	1. The Mysterious Figure

It was a Tuesday night. Villanelle had just come out of a bar after drinking her sorrows away. She had just killed the love of her life, and she knew she would never find anyone as great as Eve ever again. But she was a psychopath, so she never actually had feelings for Eve. It had been a lie this whole time. 

She was too drunk to drive, so she walked home. She decided to take the long, scenic route this time. The sun was going to rise soon, and if she was lucky she would be able to see its beauty over the bridge that was further up the road.

She finally made it to the bridge just as the sun was rising. The sky was a lovely pink colour, it was truly beautiful. That’s when Villanelle noticed something she had never seen before.

The bridge was perched overtop the train tracks that ran through town. They were usually empty, unoccupied. But on this morning, there was an unusual resident. Not too far from her, stood Thomas the Tank Engine. He was shining in the morning glow. He was very sexy.

Turned on, Villanelle ran down the bridge and onto the tracks. She was very good at getting her way with people, and knew Thomas would be no different. 

“Hey Thomas, you look so sexy today,” she said to him.

“So do you baby,” he replied. 

“How about a quicky before people wake up?” she asked him, shooting her shot.

“I thought you’d never ask,” he replied.

Villanelle quickly pulled her pants down and inserted him into her. He was so big, and she was very turned on.

She began pumping faster and faster, her breath becoming more and more rushed. 

“Oh Thomas, don’t stop,” she moaned.

He began thrusting faster. “I’m gonna cum!” he said.

She grabbed him and pulled him closer, twisting and turning on him in an attempt to make him come undone.

“CHOO CHOO!” he yelled as he came inside her. His moans alone were enough for her to come as well.

Once they both calmed down, she hopped off of him, said goodbye, and walked home.

Eve would never be as good as Thomas. Good thing she was dead. 

Nine months later Villanelle gave birth to Thomas' train baby. 


	2. Taking Him To The Hole

Villanelle’s vagina was still so sore months after giving birth to her first child. It was an abnormally large baby, after all. She had a human head, but the body of a train. She was a beautiful green colour, which is why they decided to name her Emerald. 

This soreness definitely affected her sex life. She hadn’t had proper intercourse in months, so had to resort to giving Thomas blow jobs. This was also hard, however, as he was very loud when reaching his climax and would often wake the baby, sending her into a hysterical crying fit. 

Villanelle desperately needed someone to touch her, she ached for affection and for an orgasm. 

One night, once Thomas got back from work and finished putting the baby to sleep, she violently dragged him into the bedroom, pinning him against the wall.

“I need you to fuck me right now,” she seductively growled at him.

“I thought your pussy was still sore?”

She pushed him onto the bed and climbed on top of him, straddling his mid section. She leaned down to whisper into his ear.

“Fuck me in the ass.”

The thought alone made Thomas so hard. They had often joked about anal, but never actually went through with it. Villanelle thought maybe it was because she was scared. But now more than ever she needed to feel something inside her butthole before she combusted.

Taken over by lust, Thomas flipped them on the bed so that he was on top. He sloppily gave her kisses, the only thing Villanelle disliked about dating guys.

She had made the switch back to heterosexuality following the event with Eve. All the women she loved ended up hurting her, so she decided to strictly date men from now on. They were easier to manipulate, and actually kissed her back when she leaned in (unlike Eve). 

Thomas quickly undressed her. 

“Be a horse,” he commanded. God, she loved it when they pretended to be animals in the bedroom. Her personal favourites so far had been the time she was a parrot and he was a koala. 

She kneeled on all fours in front of him on the bed, shaking in anticipation. She knew what was following. 

He teased her entrance before quickly inserting himself in without a warning.

“NEIGH,” she moaned, feeling his hard member in her bootyhole. She could feel her skin stretch to accommodate him. She could only imagine the size her butthole would be after this event.

It didn’t take long for him to start moaning as well. 

“Chugga chugga chugga,” he began. 

The experience was a lot more pleasurable for both of them than they had anticipated. It wasn’t long before they both came close to reaching their climax.

“Harder!” she yelled, so close.

“Chugga chugga chugga CHOO CHOO!” he yelled as he tooted his horn right into her asshole. 

They both lay down next to each other, sweat trickling down their faces. They lay like that for a moment, before Villanelle decided to get up to pee in order to not contract a UTI.

That’s when she noticed Emerald in the corner, who had been silently observing her mother have sex with a train. For once, she wasn’t crying. It actually turned her on immensely.

“Emerald! Back to bed, you perv!” Villanelle yelled. God, she hated her child sometimes. It was like she smoked cracked or something.

As she emptied her bladder she couldn’t help but think of Eve. She still thought about her sometimes. She was so glad she was dead. What were the odds Eve would do anal with her? She would never. That’s why she loved Thomas.

She wiped her still sore vagina, passing the toilet paper over her now gaping butthole. 

“Goddamn,” she whispers, feeling just how huge the hole was. 

She climbed back into bed and lay her head on Thomas’ chest. She raised a hand to stroke his hair, only to be met with a bald head.

That was the only thing she missed about Eve. Her hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> give me ideas for the next chapter :)


	3. Always Where I Need To Be

Soon after Emerald’s first birthday, Villanelle knew it was time for her to leave. The family life was just not for her, and she didn’t actually have any feelings towards them. That, and Emerald and Thomas had started having sexual relations ever since that night of anal.

The only problem was, she had nowhere to go. She no longer had her apartment that was gifted to her by MI6, she couldn’t go back to Paris, she had no family…

She decided to stop by Eve’s old place.

She wasn’t sure what she would find. No one had been living there for over a year, since Eve was dead and Niko was likely dead as well, after she locked him in the storage unit with Gemma’s decomposing body. 

That made her think of a joke she used to love to tell.

What is Beethoven doing right now?

He’s decomposing.

Badum ts.

Thomas never got her jokes. He lacked the brain. 

She arrived at the old house and easily broke in like she had done countless times before. To her surprise, she found that it had been left the way she remembered it, only slightly dustier. Clearly no one had been inside since Rome. 

This was her first time revisiting her past with Eve ever since she shot her. She couldn’t quite pinpoint exactly what she was feeling. All she knew was that her heart was racing at just the thought of her old lover, and she needed it to stop before she did something she’d regret. 

Villanelle decided to take a tour around the house and snoop around in places she’d never explored before. 

She raced up the stairs into the Polastri’s old bedroom. 

It was so boring. There were no sex toys in the drawers, no sexy underwear, nothing that wasn’t vanilla.

That made her remember the time she stood outside and watched the pair stick to missionary after she had got them both hot and bothered. She thought it’d be exciting to watch Eve come undone, but the mustache man turned her off so much she had to physically force herself to keep watching.

She then snooped around the closet. She found all the clothes she had bought Eve ages ago, remembering just how well they contoured her body and how excited it made her feel. 

She found her panty drawer. She picked up a pair, put it to her nose, and took a deep breath in. 

She hated that she’d never be able to lick Eve’s pussy. Unless she went back to Rome and licked her decomposed corpse’s pussy. That was also an option that wasn’t too unappealing to her.

She licked the panties before putting them back as she found them. 

She lay down on the bed in an attempt to recollect her thoughts. Before today, she had never really thought of Eve. She only remembered her when Thomas would do something she didn’t like, and would think about how Eve would be different. How Eve could give her everything she wanted, and more.

She stared up at the ceiling, lost in her thoughts.

And then she noticed the trapdoor. 

She pushed it upwards, and noticed that it lead to an attic she had no idea existed. She jumped on the bed and climbed up into the new discovery.

Apart from all the cobwebs and the family of rats living in the corner, the only thing in the attic was a small chest. She climbed over to it and opened it up.

Inside was a ouija board.

She knew this was a sign. She pulled it out and placed it flat on the ground.

“Is anybody here?” she asked out loud, placing her fingers on the planchette. 

It moved towards ‘yes’. 

“Is it you, Eve?”

It moved back towards ‘yes’. 

Villanelle moaned.

“Are you mad at me?” she asked, getting all hot and bothered. 

The planchette moved towards ‘no’. Villanelle sighed in relief.

“Want to have ghost sex?” she asked, hopeful.

It moved back towards ‘yes’, and before she had any time to react, Eve’s ghost appeared in front of her.

“I’ve missed you baby,” Eve said, causing Villanelle to moan again.

“Do to me what you’ve always wanted to do,” Villanelle begged.

Villanelle could see the ghost’s pupils dilate, before she reached down and ripped all of her clothes off, straddling Villanelle’s waist.

Villanelle was desperate for a kiss. She reached up to grab the ghost’s face, only finding her hand went right through.

“What makes you think that just because I’m a ghost, I won’t keep denying your kisses?” she teased. 

“Please, Eve, I need to feel something,” she begged.

Eve lowered herself onto Villanelle’s body, gently kissing her way from her sternum all the way to her thighs, before settling in between her legs and devouring her pussy.

“Fuck!” Villanelle cried out. She was desperate to hold onto something. She couldn’t grab Eve’s hair since it was not actually there. She thrashed her arms around until she found something furry to hold onto. She squeezed it hard as Eve kept working in between her legs, and heard a loud crunching sound followed by some wetness in her hand, but did not think much of it.

After all, the love of her life was currently making love to her between her legs.

Or at least, her ghost was. 

“Come for me, my love.”

Just like that, Villanelle let out her most primal sounds as her body spasmed and her hands squeezed even harder around whatever she was holding.

As she calmed herself after her high, she looked down at her lover, only to realize she was gone. 

Villanelle began to sob.

This whole time, she had been denying her feelings for Eve. But now that Eve had been right there in front of her, she knew more than ever just how much she needed her.

She was whipped.

It was funny. Even though Eve’s ghost was gone, she could still feel something working between her legs. She didn’t question it, she took it to be sexual frustration and the aftermath of her orgasm. Or maybe Eve’s spirit was still down there.

She finally looked to see what she had been squeezing this whole time.

It was a rat.

She had squeezed it so hard that she crushed its body and its eyeballs were popped out, oozing juices all over her hand. She yeeted it across the attic, giggling at the splat sound it made as it hit the wall and exploded everywhere.

She found it kinda sexy.

Was Eve kinky?

She picked the planchette back up and asked her herself.

The planchette didn’t move.

Eve was gone.

Villanelle sobbed again.

If Eve was gone, what was between her legs?

She spread wide like she was at the gynaecologists and found a long string hanging out of her vagina. Funny, she didn’t remember being on her period. She pulled on the string only to discover it wasn’t actually a string.

It was another rat. 

She pulled it out of her pussy before swinging it atop her head like a cowboy at a rodeo. She yeeted that one as well, and watched as it also splatted against the wall. She proceeded to do this to the entire family of rats. 

She licked up all the blood before hovering overtop the trapdoor that lead back to the bedroom. She starfished onto the bed, breaking the frame in the process. 

She carefully exited Eve’s house, making sure to leave it as she found it (minus the attic of course). 

She walked to the train station, where she found all of Thomas’ old friends. She missed Eve so much. She needed something to fill the void. Or multiple somethings.

And by somethings she meant giant train dicks entering her every orifice.

So she had a giant train orgy.

She hoped Eve was watching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter may not be as iconic as the other two, but I think it's relatively important for character development :)
> 
> give me ideas for the next chapters!!!


	4. Alma's Ass Surgery

Villanelle woke up in the middle of the tracks, alone, naked. The train orgy had been so intense that she could not remember what the hell happened. She had eventually passed out at some point from exhaustion. She was mad at the trains for leaving her there, so vulnerable. Eve would never do that to her. 

She began walking down the tracks to what she thought to be North. Along the way, she found some bushes with big leaves, which she ripped off and turned into a cute leaf dress. Not the usual designer brands she was used to, but it would do. 

As she kept walking, she eventually recognized where she was. She was near Niko’s school, the place she had been when she had stalked Eve and chatted with Gemma ages ago. 

It was summer, so the school was closed. So obviously Villanelle decided to break in. She walked around towards the back entrance, gave the door a hard shove with her shoulder, and laughed as it opened easily. 

“Stupid mustache man and his dumb school,” she said to herself. 

She walked the halls until she found Niko’s math class. It was so... boring. Just like his bedroom, just like everything else about his life. 

Eve was way better off without him. 

She walked around, laughing at how much of an effort he was putting into making his class seem way more interesting than it actually is. She ran a finger across his dusty desk, until her eyes landed on an apple on the very corner. 

It had obviously been there a while. 

The apple was brown and moldy, deflated, soft, barely any colour left to it. A shame, she thought, as apples were a very attractive fruit. She would even go as far as calling them sexy. 

The apple made her remember the time she had successfully stopped Eve and Niko from doing missionary on his desk by simply placing the fruit there. She did Eve a favour, really. 

The gross apple made her depressed. That gave her an idea. 

She reached into her asshole (which was still a gaping hole from that night of anal months ago) and pulled out her handy dandy first aid kit. She opened it up, and pulled out a scalpel, the suture kit, and a syringe. 

First, she made a small incision at the top of the apple, above its middle crack. She wiped the apple juice away with her hand. Not sterile, but it would have to do. 

Next, she made two small incisions on herself, on both sides of her stomach, just above her hips. She inserted the syringe into the holes, and sucked in as much fat as she could. She placed the syringe on the desk, before carefully stitching herself back up. 

Ever since Eve, she couldn’t really feel pain. She was basically numb from all the emotional trauma. So this plastic surgery on herself wasn’t painful at all. 

She then took the syringe of her own fat and inserted it into the hole on the apple, gently and evenly squeezing it inside. Her smile grew as the apple became firmer and regained its colour. 

She finished squeezing all the fat in and a tear fell from her eye. 

The apple was bootylicious. 

She stitched up the hole and brought the beautiful apple to her lips. She gave it a soft, adoring kiss, the same kind of kiss she had dreamt of giving Eve. 

“Alma,” she gently said to it, which means apple in Hungarian. She loved when a language had a beautiful word to describe a beautiful thing. 

Languages turned her on. 

So did bootylicious apples. 

She brought Alma back to her lips and gave her a passionate kiss. 

Things began getting more and more heated between the two, and before she knew it, she was ripping off her leaf dress and inserting Alma into her pussy. 

It didn’t take long for her to come. 

“Oh Alma, you are the best and sexiest lady in the whole world,” she said as she came down from her high. 

“Thank you Villanelle,” Alma replied. “I hope you do not forget about me. See you soon, my love. And thanks for the ass surgery. “

Villanelle gave Alma one final parting kiss, and then turned around to grab her leaf dress off the floor, only to realize it had disappeared. 

She listened carefully and could hear gentle footsteps down the hall. She sprinted towards the sound. She turned into the classroom at the end of the hall that she knew would be occupied by the culprit. 

She froze in her tracks. 

In front of her was a goat. And it was eating her leaf dress. It looked up and stared right at her, still munching on the dress. 

“You bastard! Give me back my dress!” she yelled at it, hoping to scare it off. 

It simply kept staring at her. 

“BAAAH,” it responded. 

Villanelle was furious. How dare a goat (who, not to mention, should probably consider getting braces) not be intimidated by her? Even naked, she was a scary lady. 

She quickly lunged towards it like a cat, but the goat outsmarted her and dodged her attack. 

“BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH,” it yelled, before kicking her in the head with its back legs, and running off with the dress. 

Villanelle was instantly knocked out. 

When she woke up, she was surprised to find she was not in the school anymore. She was in a bedroom somewhere. She squinted some more, trying to figure out her surroundings. 

And then, out of nowhere, Eve walked through the door. 

Her mouth dropped. 

“Hey baby, you’re awake!” she said enthusiastically, walking towards her. 

Villanelle tried to talk, but her throat was too dry to say anything. 

“Don’t speak baby, it’s ok,” Eve responded at her clear struggle. “You got hurt back in Rome, so I took you to my small cabin in Alaska.”

Villanelle’s eyes widened. 

She was in Alaska. With Eve. Who was still alive. Maybe. 

Villanelle was so confused. She thought her and Eve would never be canon. 

What the actual fuck was happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmu if u wanna make an appearance in the next chapters :)


	5. Like Them Kids Do

Villanelle went to bed that night with Eve by her side. She still couldn’t remember what exactly had happened in Rome, but Eve had tried to it explain to her more or less. In short, Villanelle had somehow managed to shoot herself. According to Eve, Villanelle had pulled out a gun and aimed it at her lover, who then turned into a ninja and drop kicked it out of her hands, kicking V in the head in the process. The gun went off while it was in the air, shooting Villanelle in the shoulder. V was unconscious on impact, so Eve stuffed her in a suitcase and took her all the way to Alaska, where she had been taking care of her. 

Villanelle couldn’t fall asleep. Even though Eve was next to her, she felt miles away. She was craving some affection. 

Villanelle turned to face away from Eve, and then scooted backwards so that her back was against Eve’s front. Eve responded to the contact by placing an arm around V’s body, causing both of them to shiver. 

Eve’s hand began tracing little patterns up and down Villanelle’s arm, then moving to her side, then her stomach. After many minutes like this, Eve slipped her hand under the blonde’s shirt, going straight for a tender cupping of the boob. 

“Eve, are you sure?” the last thing Villanelle could remember from Rome was Eve telling her she didn’t love her. Since she woke up, they had not done much talking about their feelings. 

“Shhh, it’s ok,” Eve responded, squeezing the boob in her hand a little. “I’m your mother figure, let me take care of you.” Villanelle moaned at those words. She had always wanted to fuck her mother figure. The ghost sex had been great, but now she could have the real thing. 

As if reading her mind, Eve climbed on top of her daughter, straddling her stomach. She gently took both of their shirts off. 

“Oh Mommy, please let me have some of your titty milk,” Villanelle begged. Eve nodded, so Villanelle sat up and latched her mouth onto one of Eve’s nipples. Surprisingly, there was actually milk that came out when she sucked. She tasted absolutely delicious. 

Once Eve decided her daughter had had enough, she pushed her back down on the bed and tied both her hands above her head, attaching them to the headboard. Villanelle wriggled in protest. 

“Listen to mommy,” Eve said. Villanelle calmed down. 

Eve finally leaned down to kiss her daughter. They started off slow, but quickly upped the intensity, causing them both to become a sweaty, horny mess. 

And then Eve came up with a great idea. 

She reached up to Villanelle’s shoulder, and undressed her wound on both sides (the bullet had gone all the way through), leaving it completely exposed. She then lay down on V’s body, with her head near her daughters vagina, and her own vagina near her daughter’s head. She raised her knees to be in a more or less child’s pose on top of the blonde. 

Eve then took both her and her daughter’s pants off, leaving them completely naked. She teased her daughter’s pussy, who at that point was expecting her to dive right in. That’s why Eve decided to surprise her. 

Eve stuck her big toe right into Villanelle’s bullet wound. Villanelle yelled at the contact. 

“Please stop!” she yelled in pain. However, Eve could see her pussy saying otherwise. It was like a waterfall. 

“Do you actually want me to stop?”

“No, of course not.”

Eve stuck her toe further into the wound. She could feel the skin ripping around it, expanding the hole. Villanelle raised her head in response, licking away at her mother’s pussy. 

Eve decided to taste her daughter as well. As they both got more and more into the pussy eating, Eve subconsciously kept sticking her toe further into the wound. 

Not happy enough with her pussy eating skills, Eve decided to add a second toe to the wound. Villanelle’s hips raised in response, a loud moan escaping her mouth. This further encouraged Eve to add a third toe. 

They kept going like this until Eve’s entire foot was in Villanelle’s shoulder. The wound had expanded to the size of Villanelle’s asshole after her night of anal. 

Villanelle couldn’t hold out any longer. One Eve stuck her foot all the way through, reaching the bed on the other side, Villanelle came hard. 

“YES MOMMY!” she yelled as she orgasmed. 

Eve pulled her foot out after her daughter came down from her high, and turned around to face her. 

The hole in her shoulder was huge. 

“You could stick an earring through that, like the youngsters do with their stretched ears,” she suggested. Villanelle loved the idea. 

Eve leaned down to give her daughter one last kiss. 

Suddenly, a large wrecking ball came crashing through the room, completely destroying the front wall. A figure could be seen on it. 

Once the dust cleared, the two girls tried to identify the mysterious figure. They couldn’t. 

“It is I, fatboijodie!” 

The mother-daughter duo looked at each other in horror. 

“Fatboijodie, what are you doing here?” Eve asked. 

Fbj hopped off the wrecking ball, exposing their voluptuous naked body. They were hot as fuck. 

“I am here to rescue the love of my life,” they responded. 

Eve gasped in horror. “Please! Don’t take her from me!” she cried out. 

“I’m sorry Eve, but it must be done.”

Right on cue, a figure emerged from underneath the bed. It was Caryn. 

“Fatboijodie, you are my hero!” she threw herself into her saviours arms. 

“Please don’t take Caryn from me!” Eve begged.

Sensing how desperate her mother was, Villanelle became outraged. She violently tugged at the headboard she was still bound to, breaking off a big piece of wood, and then launching it at the couple. 

Fatboijodie managed to dodge the attack, but Caryn wasn’t so lucky. The piece of wood smacked her right in the head, and she died on impact. 

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?” fatboijodie cried out, lowering themselves to the ground in tears next to their loved one. 

Villanelle felt terrible. She could see how heartbroken fbj was.

“Fatboijodie, I-“ she began, the guilt becoming unbearable. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen.” She began to cry as well. 

Fatboijodie stood back up, gathering their lover in their arms, and hopping back on their wrecking ball. 

“I will get revenge for this,” they said, and just like that, they disappeared. 

“Oh Eve, what are we going to do?” Villanelle was in pure panic. 

“I don’t know baby, but we’ll figure it out.”

And just like that, Villanelle collapsed into her mother’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know how these manage to get weirder, I am so so sorry


	6. The Lord and Saviour Daddy Christ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> daddy comes in to save the day

A few days have passed since Caryn’s passing. To no one’s surprise, they had all forgotten about it. Life was going on as usual.

And then there's a knock at the door. 

Before Villanelle could get up to answer it, a loud CHOO CHOO is heard, and before she knows it, the door is knocked over. Standing in front of her is her daughter Emerald. 

Eve comes to see what was going on. 

“Emerald, what are you doing here?!?” asks Villanelle in horror. She was even uglier than she remembered. And older too.

“I am here because we have an emergency and I need your help,” the half train half human baby replies. 

“When the fuck did you get so old lol I gave birth to you like a year ago wtf,” her mother asks.

“Don’t be so salty, you WISH you could be me daddy.”

“Ok can you just explain what’s going on so you can leave my house,” says Eve, tired of Emerald’s shit.

“Ok so, my Emmy’s were stolen.”

Eve and Villanelle both know damn well that Emerald didn’t win any Emmys. 

“Yea ok, you’re so funny,” replies Villanelle, rolling her eyes.

“I’m serious!!! Please help me get them back, they’re at 123 PWB street,” she cries out.

“No I don’t care about you lol,” replies her mother.

“Ok whatever bitch I guess I’ll get them myself.”

And just like that, she leaves. 

Eve and Villanelle decide to stalk her. They were just way too curious to see how this would play out. Seriously? Emerald winning an Emmy? Yeah right. 

They follow her until they end up at a huge mansion. They watch as Emerald breaks her way in, and emerges a few seconds later with 3 Emmy’s in her arms. It’s quite impressive how quickly she managed to pull off the heist. They decide to chase after her to see where she is headed.

Their final destination is a small cave at the bottom of an underpass. They sneak in to see what was happening.

Inside, Emerald is placing her newly acquired Emmy’s on a dirt shelf.

“That’s what you get for stealing my Emmy’s bitch,” she says to a poster she is holding. They couldn’t see who was on it. 

Next thing they know, Emerald throws the poster on the floor and whips out her massive schlong. On the poster is none other than Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Emerald starts beating her meat above the poster.

“Take this, you bitch,” Emerald says as she releases ten gallons of cummies onto Phoebe’s face.

Before Villanelle and Eve have time to react, the cave starts to shake. Out of the shadows emerges a tall, ghost figure. They can’t see his face, but they know it’s a man.

“Emerald,” he starts in a really deep voice. “You have been a really bad girl. Come let your daddy put you in your place.”

“Sorry daddy, it won’t happen aga-“ before she can finish, he sticks his dick cheese into her mouth. She swallows it with pleasure.

“That’s what you get for being naughty. I even added some extra pubic lice in it for you. I know how much you like that.”

Emerald looks at the man in awe. 

“I love you Jesus,” she replies, as he slowly fades back into the shadow. 

Eve looks at her daughter Villanelle. Neither of them are quite sure how to react.

All they know is that they want a taste of Jesus’s dick cheese.

So, on that note, they set off on a mission. 

They spend weeks scouring around the UK to try to find this mysterious daddy figure. With no luck, they decide to resort to their last option: asking Emerald.

They make their way back to the weird cave, and when they enter, they are greeted by the sight of Emerald beating her meat to a picture of PWB again.

“Emerald,” says Villanelle, causing her daughter to jump.

“Sorry, I wasn’t expecting people over,” she replies, still beating her meat.

“Emerald can you please put your schlong away,” replies Villanelle, horrified but also intrigued. She coulda sworn she had a vag when she was born…

“Actually I can’t. If I don’t spray my cummies everywhere it’ll just rip a hole through my pants. Also it’s how I summon my daddy.”

“Speaking of,” starts Eve, advancing towards the train girl. “We were wondering who that weird ghost man is.”

“Oh him? That’s God. He comes over any time I shoot my load and tells me what a good girl I am. Speaking of which,” she says, beginning to ejaculate all over Eve’s face.

“Hm, tastes like pineapple,” Eve says, drinking it all in.

And then, as expected, the ghost comes back.

“Emerald, sweaty, I see you’ve brought some friends this time.”

“Yes daddy, this is my mom and her mom. They wanted to meet you,” she answers him.

“Are they also stan twitter lesbians?” 

“Obviously,” Eve and Villanelle reply at the same time.

“Perfect,” he responds. “I don’t suppose you’d like a taste of some of my dick cheese, then?”

“Actually, that’s exactly what we came here for.”

To that, the ghost reaches into his pants and pulls out a massive chunk of cheese. 

“Here, let me know how it is,” he says, shoving the piece into Eve’s mouth.

“Needs salt,” she replies.

He reaches into his back pocket and grabs a salt shaker, generously seasoning the cheese. He hands her a new piece.

“Much better,” she responds in a low moan.

“Hey, my turn!” shouts Villanelle, incredibly jealous of her mother figure.

He reaches towards her to give her a piece.

“Happen to have any hot sauce for that?” she asks. He fulfills her request, and hands her the now red tinted piece.

“Daddy, this is the best thing I’ve ever eaten in my entire life,” she responds. Before she can even notice it happening, she has a huge orgasm and squirts everywhere.

“I appreciate your enthusiasm,” he responds. “But I must get going. I need to find more stan twitter lesbians to feed my dick cheese to.”

Just like that, he disappears. 

“I thought I was atheist,” starts Eve. “But now I know that god exists.”

The couple say goodbye to Emerald and leave her cave hand in hand. 

“I can’t wait to summon him tomorrow for some more dick cheese,” says Villanelle. 

They both smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize


	7. To Toot Her Horn

Eve can’t sleep. Something about the overall vibe just feels off. She rolls over, finding the bed empty. This is not unusual to her, as ever since the pair’s encounter with Jesus, Villanelle has been sneaking off from time to time to find guidance (and by guidance she means a fresh batch of dick cheese down her throat). However, something about tonight feels different.

She rolls over and closes her eyes, willing herself back to sleep. 

Just as she’s about to pass out, she hears a faint noise in the distance.

A single honk.

She gets up and opens the window, sticking her head outside in fury. 

“MARTHA!” she yells angrily. “TELL YOUR FUCKING IDIOT DUCK PET TO SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!”

She hears a door bang in the distance.

“THAT WASN’T JOHNNY YOU FUCKING DUMBASS, FUCK YOU FOR ASSUMING I DON’T KNOW HOW TO RAISE MY DUCK SON!”

The door bangs again, signalling Martha’s return back inside.

Eve feels like a dumbass.

She heads back under the covers, before hearing a faint cracking coming from within the house. She knows it’s her daughter, as she always hears that familiar sound when Villanelle returns from her dick appointments. Their alaskan house has old floorboards. 

The door creaks open the slightest bit, and a red light begins shining through. 

Eve is unsure of what is happening.

Another honk is heard.

“I heard it is somebody’s birthday today,” a creepy, high-pitched voice says from behind the door.

Before Eve can respond, a large shadow emerges in front of her. It towers over her, scary and intimidating, yet somewhat comforting. 

The figure reaches up to its nose, honking it loudly. 

“Villaclown is here to make it a birthday to remember.”

The light shines brighter, allowing Eve to see the figure in front of her. It’s her daughter, dressed up in a cute clown costume.

It turns her on.

“So, Villaclown,” she begins, biting her lip in the way she knows makes Villanelle absolutely feral. “How are you going to do that?”

Villaclown walks towards the bed, extending her arm towards Eve, a red balloon in hand.

She hands her mom the balloon, before climbing on top of her on the bed. 

“I know this has always been one of your fantasies,” she says. “Hope it is better than you imagined.”

“Baby, you have no idea,” Eve replies, reaching over to the stereo on the night table next to her. She hits play, and carnival music begins flooding the room. 

The couple usually enjoy listening to this album after a long day.

Villanelle begins undressing Eve, not letting her kiss her but only because she doesn’t want to smudge the makeup she spent so much time applying.

Making sure Eve is soaked, she climbs her way to the bottom of the bed, her face right in front of Eve’s petunia garden. 

“Ready?” she asks.

Eve nods rapidly in anticipation.

Villanelle violently turns her over, and shoves her tongue straight up Eve’s booty hole. She moans in response. Taking this as a sign to continue, Villaclown slowly inserts her nose into the black hole.

Eve orgasms right away.

But the party isn’t over. 

Villanelle reaches down to her coochie, which she begins pumping. As she pumps, her nose begins to expand bigger and bigger in Eve’s ass. 

Eve orgasms with every pump.

Eventually, the nose reaches maximum volume. 

Villanelle waits for the song playing to reach the drop, so she can begin the most exciting part of it all.

Right as the beat drops, Villanelle’s nose releases thousands of red balloons into Eve’s fart box. However, the number of balloons is too great, and Eve begins floating away.

She punches a hole straight through the roof and disappears into the sky.

Panicked, Villaclown pulls out her phone.

“DADDY! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!” she screams.

“Don’t worry, I gotchu fam,” replies the familiar voice.

In the blink of an eye, daddy L appears and plucks Eve out of the sky, returning her to her lover.

“Damn ma, you got some cute b00biez,” he says, before disappearing.

“Villaclown,” Eve barely manages to sigh. “That was. The BEST. Experience. Of my LIFE!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the clowns ❤️


	8. Puta Whore

Five months later, the pair were still recovering from their birthday festivities. They're just chilling in their bedroom, Eve on the bed, Villanelle in her baby crib, watching train porn on the flat screen. It is a usual Saturday night.

Then, a timid knock on the door.

“Coming!” says Eve, putting some clothes on to make herself presentable to whoever was at the door.

She looks through the peephole.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” she whispers under her breath. She slowly opens the door.

“Hey, honeybunch!” the moustached man says. 

“Niko…. hi.”

He throws the door opens and barges right into the apartment. 

“My schlong is long,” he says, whipping out his third leg.

“The bedroom is that way,” Eve replies, pointing him to the bedroom.

Villanelle welcomes the new visitor warmly. She helps him unbutton his pants, and shoves him onto the bed.

She sits onto his 69 inch schlong. It’s so long, it goes all the way through her body and pokes out her mouth. 

Eve places her mouth against Villanelle’s, simultaneously kissing her and sucking Niko’s dick.

Before he can cum, another knock sounds. Eve goes to answer the door once again. Who the fuck was interrupting her night of pleasure?

She opens the door to reveal a lady she has never seen before. She looks just like her, only uglier.

“Hello,” she says in an ugly accent. “I am restaurant lady.”At those words, Villanelle comes running towards the door. She grabs her by the elbow and leads her into the apartment, straight into the bedroom. Eve does not question it.

They resume their orgy, only with an extra member. Eve can’t help but notice how ugly she is. 

Villanelle keeps riding Niko’s huge weiner, restaurant lady fingering her asshole and Eve pleasuring Niko in her mouth. 

Just as Niko’s about to bust his huge phat load, Eve reaches behind her and grabs a nice, sharp axe. She swings it right into restaurant lady’s body.

Niko’s dick shrivels up inside him as chunks of restaurant lady fly everywhere. Villanelle, however, is extremely turned on.

“Again,” she commands, feeling her climax looming near.

Eve bonks the lady on the head again. She explodes like a water balloon.

Villanelle catches a few chunks in her mouth.

Eve keeps bonking her until she is reduced to shreds. Villanelle squirts everywhere.

While she comes down from her climax, Eve begins cleaning up the room. She picks Niko up by his legs and uses his giant inverted rod as a vacuum (the pressure difference allows for a light aspiration). At some point he dies from trauma. RIP king. 

Eve yeets his body out the window and joins her daughter back in bed.

“Eve, that was the hottest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

“I know baby, I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because restaurant lady is a stupid puta whore bitch


End file.
